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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26098075">lovesick.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/xies/pseuds/lovecity'>lovecity (xies)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Catholic Guilt, Character Study, Coming of Age, Enemies to Lovers, Fencing, Happy Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Kinda, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Religious Themes, Secret Relationship, Smoking, rich kids</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:14:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,930</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26098075</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/xies/pseuds/lovecity</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Are you two going to be like this all the time?” Renjun says, frowning. “Can’t you just bone it out, and save us all from your weird courting rituals?”</p><p>“I’m down for it,” Jaemin says casually, as he sits besides him, and throws a smile at Donghyuck. “Well, if he's willing to put a paper bag on his face, that is."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>219</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>nahyuck fic fest!</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>lovesick.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello! this is uhh very very different from what i usually write, so i'm a bit nervous. still, i have to say it was fun to write (mostly in random burst of inspo at 4 am haha).</p><p>as a side note, please read the tags beforehand!! there's a few religious references. i tried to be mindful of the themes while writing, but if you think this might be upsetting to you, please do both of us a favor, and don't read it. also just for clarification, both jaemin and donghyuck are 18 years old, and thus, consenting adults. also, i know nothing about fencing, pls forgive me.</p><p>there's a <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5kmtcnymo9dqN8FmNfuA9P?si=8JvhzG5YS5-jYgg3pYeKPQ">playlist</a><br/>enjoy :]</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jaemin hates Mondays the most. Besides the two hour praying session that the whole school has at the start of every week, there's also the fact that he has class with Father Raimund right after, and, well—let’s just say Father Raimund doesn’t seem to be very fond of him. Jaemin thinks it's mostly because Father Raimund has (unfounded, mind you) suspicions about who filled his locker with rotten tomatoes at the end of sophomore year.</p><p>Not that he had proof or anything.</p><p>This Monday, though, is especially bad. When he gets to the dinning hall with Jeno almost all tables are full. He takes a look around the room, and he spots Donghyuck and his friends. They are on the only table that has space for two, and he curses internally. He must have jinxed himself thinking about Mondays and how bad they are, and now he doesn’t have any other option than to swallow his pride and sit there, next to Donghyuck.</p><p>Jeno looks at him, concern written all over his face, and Jaemin frowns. When they hear Father Raimund’s voice outside the door behind them Jeno almost jumps. Jaemin just sighs, resigned, taking a step towards the table, and signaling for Jeno to come.</p><p>Donghyuck, predictably, looks at him with a lopsided smile on his face, while Renjun just stares him down.</p><p>“Look what the morning brought,” Donghyuck says, quickly, hushed, knowing all too well that Father Raimund is within hearing range. The whole table stands up as Father Raimund walks across the room. Jaemin looks at him out of the corner of his eye, and Donghyuck smiles even wider. “Two pretty boys. Sad that only one of them comes with a brain.”</p><p>Jaemin, honest to God, has to suppress a chuckle. He leans in, just a little bit, letting the centimeters of difference between them do all the work. If he has come to learn one thing about Lee Donghyuck these past two years, it’s that being looked down upon is one of the things he hates the most.</p><p>“I’m sure you wouldn’t mind my brain when I can do much better things with my tongue,” Jaemin replies, almost a whisper, careful enough so he knows that only the two of them can hear his words. It’s not an insult, but he knows how much the mention of his tongue riles him up.</p><p>Donghyuck takes a sharp breath, just as Father Raimund greets them.</p><p>“Maybe in your dreams,” Donghyuck replies, just a tad louder than before, and that’s how Jaemin knows he’s definitely annoyed.</p><p>“Why?” Jaemin replies, just to be an asshole. “Had one of those with me already?”</p><p><em>What a nice morning</em>, he thinks as Donghyuck fumes, scowling at him. Father Raimund starts the morning prayer and Jaemin smiles, closing his eyes for a second as he joins the chorus of voices like a sick force of habit.</p><p>
  <em>Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Amen.</em>
</p><p>After the morning prayers, he stands up to get his food and begins to eat without another word to Donghyuck.</p><hr/><p>Fencing is one of his favorites extracurriculars, as it’s the one thing he gets to beat Donghyuck at almost every time. Today, he expects it to be no different.</p><p>“En garde,” Jeno says by the side of the strip, where he’s watching them. Jaemin smirks behind the mask, even though he’s aware Donghyuck can’t see him, standing a mere four meters away from him.</p><p>Jaemin positions himself, steady on his flexed knees, gripping the hilt of his foil with practiced comfort.</p><p>“Are you ready?” Jeno asks, and Jaemin holds his breath for a second, waiting for Jeno’s signal.</p><p>“Fence!” Jeno declares, and just like that, it starts.</p><p>Facing Donghyuck is always a difficult match, no matter how many times they've done it in the past. Maybe it’s because they are so similar in so many ways—even in their styles while fencing—that it's difficult to go up against each other.</p><p>Donghyuck doesn’t waste any time taking a step towards him. Jaemin curses under his breath as Donghyuck advances, and retreats in response. Donghyuck lunges, and Jaemin's just a second too late to parry, so he tries retreating at the last second.</p><p>It doesn’t work. Donghyuck scores the first point, and Jaemin's quick to go back to his original position, gritting his teeth in frustration.</p><p>“Losing the <em>touch</em>, Na?” Donghyuck asks him.</p><p>Jaemin snorts.<em> He thinks he’s so fucking funny</em>. He can’t wait to beat his ass now. “Let’s see if that’s true,” he replies, positioning himself again, taking a deep breath to calm himself. “En garde, Hyuckie,” he calls, voice sweet.</p><p>“Hey, that’s my job!” Jeno complains, but Jaemin ignores him as Donghyuck stands in front of him again. “Ready?” Jeno says. “Fence!”</p><p>This time Jaemin moves first, carefully blanding his foil forward and advancing towards Donghyuck. He lunges and attacks, but Donghyuck's quick to retreat. Jaemin goes for a redouble without a second though, attacking again, and Donghyuck tries to parry, but Jaemin is quicker, touching him mid chest.</p><p>A relatively easy point for him.</p><p>“Guess I’m still quicker than you,” Jaemin says, even though it’s not exactly true. He’ll do whatever he can to piss him off and, well, if Donghyuck falls for it, then it's not his fault, is it?</p><p>“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Na,” Donghyuck replies, his voice muffled by the mask.</p><p>“En garde,” Jeno calls, and Jaemin vaguely notices someone coming to stand by Jeno’s side, but he pays no mind, positioning himself instead. “Ready? Fence!”</p><p>They both try to advance, but Jaemin lunges immediately, trying to gain field with the momentum. He attacks right away, but Donghyuck parries effectively. Jaemin tries attacking again, not letting Donghyuck get a window of opportunity to strike back.</p><p>Jaemin scores a point, and Donghyuck groans loudly. It’s a low, frustrated noise, and it brings Jaemin an incredible feeling of pure satisfaction.</p><p>“Jeno,” Donghyuck calls, as they both stand on the strip again.</p><p>“En garde,” Jeno says, and they both position themselves. “Ready? Fence!”</p><p>Donghyuck moves first. Jaemin retreats, quick on his feet. Donghyuck goes for an attack, and Jaemin sees the movement of his foil, tracing the trajectory on his mind.</p><p>He goes forward with his right hand to parry the attack, but at the last minute Donghyuck changes directions quickly, and their foils touch for a second. Donghyuck is fast, touching him with the point of his foil on the exposed area of his chest.</p><p>Jaemin clicks his tongue in distaste. Trust Donghyuck to pull off a feint attack, and Jaemin to fall for it yet again.</p><p>Jaemin goes back to his mark, blood rushing through his veins.</p><p>“En garde,” Jeno says again. Jaemin flexes his knees, in the position he has been taught so many times. 2-2. Last point. He inhales deeply. He needs to stay calm. “Ready?” Jaemin breathes out. “Fence!”</p><p>Donghyuck advances first, and Jaemin retreats. Incredibly, he feels level-headed, even though he’s been forced to adopt a defensive position for now. Donghyuck lunges, and Jaemin thinks he’s going to fake an attack again, but Donghyuck hesitates for a split of a second.</p><p>It’s all Jaemin needs.</p><p>He doesn’t try to parry, and he lunges forward and goes for his boldest move, bending the blade so that it curves over, the point perfectly on Donghyuck’s back.</p><p>“Did that hit?” Donghyuck asks.</p><p>It was a risky move, almost no time to defend himself if Donghyuck had figured out what Jaemin was going to do. But that’s one of the things about fencing, as his father had told him. To attack, you need to be willing to be left vulnerable.</p><p>Jaemin takes a step back and gets the mask off his face, holding it under his arm with a bright smile on his face. Since it’s just practice they aren’t using body cords, so they can’t be sure of a point, only having to trust the referee of the match. Still, Jaemin knows it’s a valid point.</p><p>“It did,” Jeno affirms, turning to his side where Renjun's looking at them with a frown. “Right, Renjunnie?”</p><p>There’s a beat of silence, and Jaemin wonders if Renjun's going to lie for Donghyuck.</p><p>“You’re the referee, don’t ask me,” Renjun says then, turning around and leaving them both staring at Jeno, who just shrugs.</p><p>“Fine,” Donghyuck says, groaning and taking off his mask as well.</p><p>Jaemin's about to tease him some more when he takes a second look at Donghyuck, and the words die on his throat. His hair is messy, some streaks of sweat going down his temples, and his breath ragged.</p><p>Jaemin swallows.</p><p>“Good fight,” he says, taking off his right glove and extending a hand to Donghyuck. Just common courtesy.</p><p>“It was,” Donghyuck replies, narrowing his eyes at him.</p><p>Jaemin knows Donghyuck hates to lose, especially against Jaemin. But also knows Donghyuck wouldn’t lose any opportunity to make fun of him. That’s why he doesn’t think too much before saying his next words.</p><p>“Good luck next time, Hyuckie,” he teases, walking towards Jeno so he can go change clothes.</p><p>“Fuck off,” Donghyuck replies.</p><p>Jaemin’s laugh resonates in the room.</p><p>This is why he loves Wednesdays.</p><hr/><p>A lot of people smoke in the bathrooms, but it’s a first to see pristine Lee Donghyuck doing it. He doesn’t plan for it or anything— he goes to the bathroom in the middle of class and tries to open the door of the first stall he sees.</p><p>Donghyuck’s voice greets him from the other side.</p><p>“It’s occupied, asshole,” he says, voice hoarse, and that’s when the strong scent of cigarettes hits Jaemin. It’s there, so painfully obvious behind the smell of bleach and rotten, old wood, that he wonders how he managed to miss it when he first walked in.</p><p>“Yeah, I can see that now,” Jaemin replies, voice teasing. He’s got the upperhand, because he’s caught Donghyuck red handed. He hears some rustle—someone shifting, the click of the lock, and then the door opens.</p><p>Donghyuck is behind, and he’s quick to stretch his hand and grab him by the tie. Jaemin lets out a soft yelp as Donghyuck pulls him forward and inside the stall. He coughs, frowning as Donghyuck lets go of his tie.</p><p>The first thing that he notices as he fixes his tie is that Donghyuck’s got a lit up cigarette on one hand, faint trail of ashes in the air as he moves to close the door behind Jaemin. Donghyuck leans in for a second before backing up, his face indecipherable.</p><p>Donghyuck stands still and —even when he can’t read his face— the silence that follows is telling. Jaemin crosses his arms on his chest and smiles, waiting for Donghyuck to say something, to tell him he <em>can’t say a word about this, or else</em>.</p><p>But then, a moment passes, and Donghyuck doesn’t say a word. He just stands there, lifting his hand to his mouth and taking a drag of the cigarette. His chest raises, and there’s a second of stillness in the air.</p><p>Jaemin observes him again. He looks disheveled, tie undone and white shirt wrinkled, his sweater lying on top of his backpack on the floor. It’s an uncommon sight, but most definitely not unwelcomed, and Jaemin takes another few seconds to savor this Donghyuck, the roundness of his face and his soft looking lips constranting with the hardness of his stare and the shadows under his eyes.</p><p>Jaemin can’t help but wonder.</p><p>Wonder what Donghyuck wants, what he’s thinking. Why he dragged Jaemin inside, and why he’s smoking.</p><p>What would his lips taste like?</p><p>Jaemin shakes his head. He takes Donghyuck by the arm, and pries the cigarette from his slender fingers. He looks at it, studying it for a second under Donghyuck’s unmoving gaze.</p><p>“How do you do it?” Jaemin asks then, meeting Donghyuck’s eyes.</p><p>“You want me to teach you how to smoke?” Donghyuck replies, raising an eyebrow —and it should be infuriating, the disdain in his voice—but it’s not. Oh, it is most definitely not.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jaemin says, voice steady. It suddenly feels like he’s in a movie, like he’s watching himself in the bathroom of his school, this pricey, stupid school, cigarette in hand, asking Donghyuck to teach him to smoke. Jaemin smiles, snapping out of his thoughts. “You don’t want word around that Lee Donghyuck has been smoking in the bathrooms, right?”</p><p>It’s an empty threat. Jaemin hates rumors, and Donghyuck most certainly knows it. Still, he can’t help but hope that Donghyuck keeps on playing whatever game they are in.</p><p>“Just put in your fucking mouth,” Donghyuck hisses, and Jaemin’s smile goes even wider. The possibility of making a sexual innuendo crosses his mind, but then Donghyuck continues talking and the opportunity is gone. “Don’t inhale too much smoke if it’s your first time,” he adds. “Let the smoke cool down in your mouth before taking a deep breath. Or don’t, whatever, I don’t care.”</p><p>Jaemin does as he says, lifting his hand slowly and placing the cigarette between his lips. He inhales, and it’s warm and unsettling, the feeling of smoke on his mouth. Donghyuck narrows his eyes at him, and his gaze bears such an intensity that Jaemin almost forgets he’s supposed to wait a few seconds before taking a breath.</p><p>He lets out the smoke, and smiles.</p><p>“You know smoking’s bad for you, right?” Jaemin teases. It’s a bad joke, but he can’t help it. He feels a bit lost in the silence, under Donghyuck’s unmoving stare.</p><p>“What are you, my doctor?” Donghyuck snaps back. He takes the cigarette back from Jaemin’s hand, meeting almost no resistance, and puts it between his lips.</p><p>Donghyuck inhales, his chest raising, lips curling around the cigarette. Jaemin could kiss him right now, if he wanted. He knows he wants to. Just a kiss, to figure out if Donghyuck tastes like ashes and fire, like Jaemin thinks he does, and if his lips are as warm and soft as they look.</p><p>But one thing holds him back. There’s something not quite right about this Donghyuck, eyes tired and hands jumpy, smoking in a bathroom. For the first time in his life, at least that Jaemin is aware of, Donghyuck looks defeated.</p><p>And Jaemin wants to kiss him, but not quite yet. Not like this, at least.</p><p>He takes away Donghyuck’s cigarette again, and before Donghyuck can even protest, he puts it out, the fire extinguishing against the white tiles of the bathroom.</p><p>“Don’t smoke in here,” Jaemin says, already going out of the bathroom stall. “Renjun might kill you if he finds out.”</p><p>He doesn’t stay to hear whatever kind words Donghyuck has for him. He exits the bathroom with a smile.</p><hr/><p>Donghyuck's one of the many headaches here in Divine Mercy Preparatory for Jaemin, but if he had to make a list of the things that annoy him about this school, he probably could make an entire essay on the topic.</p><p>And okay, yes, being a fourth year is even better than being a junior, that’s for sure. They already know their way around school, the tricks to surviving. Jeno has his bike parked in one of the storage rooms. Yangyang found a way to store three extra pairs of sneakers when they came back from summer holidays. Jaemin has a supply of sweets hiding in a small hole in the closet, and a few sugar cubes on his nightstand for when he’s feeling particularly down.</p><p>Still, the big list of cons could never compare. Waking up early, for breakfast and morning prayers. Having to stay inside some weekends. The food—that could never compare to his mom’s cooking. But what bothers him the most, probably, is the lack of privacy and space for himself.</p><p>“Donghyuck’s asking for you,” Jeno asks him one afternoon. “What did you do now?”</p><p>Jaemin sighs, looking up from the magazine on his hand. He just wanted some time alone to relax and read his photography magazine, for God’s sake. “Why do you always assume it’s my fault?”</p><p>“Isn’t it?” Jeno replies, lifting an eyebrow at him as he sits at the foot of Jaemin’s bed.</p><p>“No,” Jaemin says, sighing. He closes his magazine, defeated. “I honestly don’t know why he’s looking for me.”</p><p>Jeno shrugs, but he’s still in a defensive posture. “Well, maybe you can go meet him in the art room in fifteen minutes?”</p><p>“And why would I do that?” Jaemin asks, suspicious. That sounds oddly specific. Why would Donghyuck be in the art room, anyway?</p><p>“I may have promised him and Renjun you would show up,” Jeno says, and Jaemin groans, already not liking the idea. “C'mon, do it for me!” Jeno exclaims, shaking him up by the arm. “I was the one who covered you from Father Raimund last week.”</p><p>“I hate you,” Jaemin says plainly. But it's the truth, he owes Jeno one. And Jeno, being weak for Renjun, would find one way or another to convince him.</p><p>“Please?” Jeno asks, looking at him with a pleading face, and actually using his damned puppy eyes.</p><p>Jaemin sighs.</p><p>“Fine,” he says, standing up from the bed. He's shirt is now wrinkled, and he can only hope he doesn't run into any priest on his way to the art room, because Jeno won't hear the end of it if he gets scolded for it. “Will you ever tell him?” he adds, and Jeno's smile falters. “I don’t know why you’re so scared, Renjun's nothing but nice to you.”</p><p>“I will, eventually,” Jeno says, but he doesn't sound convincing at all. “Look, I have to go now, but I really appreciate it. Thank you!”</p><p>Damn Jeno and his violin lessons. Jaemin would gladly talk this out with him, but it’s not like Jeno can afford to be late to his lesson, anyway.</p><p>“No problem,” Jaemin says, and he watches as Jeno grabs his violin and gives him two thumbs up and a smile.</p><p>So much for a peaceful evening.</p><hr/><p>Renjun and Donghyuck are in the art room, as promised. They are both at one table, Renjun sketching something, pencil in hand, while Donghyuck is sitting on the edge of the table, long legs stretched to the floor.</p><p>“You want me to model?” Jaemin asks, unbelieving.</p><p>“I need real life models for my drawing class,” Renjun explains. “And Donghyuck here can't stand still for his life. Jeno was busy, but he said you would come.”</p><p>“I would rather have Jeno as a model, but whatever,” Donghyuck buts in.</p><p>Jaemin grins, pleased. Not even ten minutes, and Donghyuck is already looking annoyed.</p><p>“Well, if you could stand still for more than five minutes, then maybe Renjun wouldn't have to ask me,” he replies, walking to the center of the room.</p><p>“Oh, just shut up,” Donghyuck huffs, putting his hands on his thighs and leaning forward, in a vaguely threatening posture. “It’s just for a drawing, you’re not in fucking Milan.”</p><p>“Are you two going to be like this all the time?” Renjun says, pointing Jaemin at the chair next to him. “Can’t you just bone it out, and save us all from your weird courting rituals?”</p><p>“I’m down for it,” Jaemin says casually, as he sits besides Renjun, hovering over him to look at his sketchbook. There’s a few sketches on the page, and they all look beautiful, rough, black lines in the shape of men’s figures all over the grainy white paper. He puts a hand on his chin, and throws a smile at Donghyuck. “Well, if Donghyuck's willing to put a paper bag on his face, that is,” he says, voice sweet.</p><p>“Fuck you, Jaemin,” Donghyuck replies. His face is red, and he looks positively mad now, and for the tiniest of moments, concern washes over Jaemin, wondering if he went too far this time.</p><p>“I have singing practice now, so I gotta go. Have fun with the five year old, Renjun,” Donghyuck says with disdain, lifting his backpack from the floor in a quick motion. “And Jaemin? Stop lying to yourself,” Donghyuck says then, stopping by the door to turn to look at Jaemin one last time. He puts on a smile on his face, a lazy, sarcastic expression, and Jaemin's mouth runs dry. “You’d be down on your knees in two seconds for me.”</p><p>Donghyuck closes the door behind him, and Jaemin exhales, his gaze still on the same spot Donghyuck had been just a few seconds ago.</p><p>“Please don’t tell me that you actually liked that,” Renjun says, snapping Jaemin out of his thoughts. Renjun gives him a questioning gaze, one that turns into disgust a few moments later, when Jaemin doesn’t reply. “I <em>really </em>can’t stand you two.”</p><p>“He started it!” Jaemin replies, in a tight voice. And it’s not like he isn’t aware of the effect of Donghyuck’s words on him and vice versa—but this? This was something else entirely.</p><p>He can’t tell if he likes it or not. He tries to not think about it while Renjun asks him to hold a pose.</p><hr/><p>There are papers messily spread around in front of Jaemin, and a cup of coffee next to his laptop. There’s a video of cats playing in the background —courtesy of Jeno— but not even that can cheer him up.</p><p>He’s got a paper due tomorrow, and there are very little resources on the topic. It’s past curfew time, and there’s nowhere he can go. Jaemin is just about to bang his head against the table, call it a night and go to sleep. He could, if he wasn’t absolutely delirious after the amount of caffeine he’s consumed in the span of three hours, sure that he wouldn't be able to sleep even if he wanted.</p><p>Maybe that’s why he has the brilliant idea of sneaking inside the library, that’s very much closed at this hour. Patrol duties start in about two hours, and he has plenty of time to borrow a book and head back to his room and hopefully finish this essay.</p><p>He thinks of telling Jeno, but he is sleeping peacefully in his bed, and Jaemin doesn’t want to disturb him.</p><p>So, he sneaks out alone, quietly.</p><p>The school’s always been creepy, tall, old buildings, but at this hour, it’s colder and somehow spookier. The moon shines through the windows on the hall, and Jaemin walks to the library quickly, walking down the marble stairs.</p><p>It’s only when he gets there that he realizes he has no possible way of opening the doors. This time, he really does bang his head against the wall, because damn, this is stupid.</p><p>Out of the corner of his eyes he sees a figure pass by the door in front of him, and he almost screams, but he remembers at the last moment that he’s not supposed to be out of his room. He lets out a soft yelp instead of a yell, and that’s when the figure turns around.</p><p>It’s Donghyuck.</p><p>Jaemin just might kill him for nearly giving him a heart attack.</p><p>“What the fuck?” Jaemin shrieks, voice strained.</p><p>“Na?” Donghyuck says, eyes wide. Jaemin is about to lash out for scaring him when, suddenly, he hears the faint sound of footsteps close by. They look at each other, and Jaemin panics, thinking about how many prayers he’s going to have to copy by hand on a notebook and how many days of afternoon service he’s going to have to do. “Fuck, stay quiet!” Donghyuck whispers then, taking Jaemin’s hand and speeding down the hallway.</p><p>“What?” Jaemin asks, but Donghyuck only shoves him behind the last row of lockers, pressing a hand over his mouth and signaling him to stay quiet with the other one.</p><p>Donghyuck waits a few more seconds, and Jaemin tries to listen for any more footsteps, but he can’t concentrate, not with Donghyuck’s breath dawning on his neck, fingers held tight over his mouth.</p><p>It’s dark and they can’t see anything, but Jaemin manages to catch a glimpse of Donghyuck’s features from the light that seeps through the window at the other end of the hallway.</p><p>A few more seconds pass and Jaemin takes Donghyuck’s hand off of his mouth.</p><p>“Do you have some kind of choking kink?” He asks, still a bit on edge about what just happened. Donghyuck backs off a few centimeters, and Jaemin can <em>breathe </em>again.</p><p>“Why, did it turn you on?” Donghyuck replies, quick as ever.</p><p>Jaemin can’t see him or his expression now that they are not close enough, but he can almost feel the smirk on Donghyuck’s face.</p><p>“And what if it did?” Jaemin replies, just for the thrill of it. He thinks Donghyuck is about to say something back, like the smartass he is, but Jaemin doesn’t let him. “What was that, anyway?” He asks, pointing at the other side of the hallway out of habit, even though Donghyuck can’t see him.</p><p>Donghyuck walks back to the hallway, and Jaemin follows him.</p><p>“That was Father Declan,” Donghyuck explains, pointing at the right, from where the footsteps had come and gone. “Sometimes he walks around the school at this hour. I just saved your ass.”</p><p>“I think it was more like you were saving yourself, if you ask me,” Jaemin says, lifting his eyebrows.</p><p>“That too,” Donghyuck replies, a grin on his face. Now that they are in the light again, Jaemin can see he’s still wearing the school uniform, dark pants and sweater. “What are you doing here anyway?”</p><p>“I could ask you the same,” Jaemin replies, dodging the question altogether. It’s not like he was doing anything entertaining, anyway. And either way, it’s not like Donghyuck is going to answer the question.</p><p>“I just wanted to catch some air,” is what Donghyuck says. It feels like a lie. A bad one, at that.</p><p>“To catch some air?” Jaemin repeats, unbelieving, crossing his arms over his chest. “At fucking midnight?”</p><p>“Yes,” Donghyuck insists. There isn’t anything in his tone that indicates that he’s teasing or lying, but Jaemin still doesn’t fully trust him. Donghyuck takes a pause, eyeing him, and then continues. “It gets…” he pauses, like he’s struggling to find the words. “It’s suffocating in here.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Jaemin agrees, contemplating, and a bit taken aback. “It does,” he says, watching Donghyuck’s face carefully. It’s odd that Donghyuck had said something like that to Jaemin, but he guesses there’s no harm in it when there’s no one else to witness it.</p><p>And he understands where Donghyuck is coming from, too.</p><p>“I was trying to break into the library,” he says then, liking the way Donghyuck seems taken aback for a second. He barely supresses a chuckle.</p><p>“You what?” He asks, frowning.</p><p>“I need to finish a paper,” Jaemin explains, shrugging, and bracing himself. It’s cold here, and he has to suppress a shiver. “For bible studies.”</p><p>“<em>Oh</em>,” Donghyuck mutters, nodding in sympathy.</p><p>“Yeah,” Jaemin says, tapping his right foot on the floor. Bible studies is known for being the bane of every Divine Mercy student's existance, and Jaemin can guess Donghyuck has had his fair share of struggles with it too.</p><p>“I think I know who can help you,” Donghyuck says, clicking his tongue, and Jaemin tilts his head, confused. “Mark Lee.”</p><p>“Mark Lee?” Jaemin asks. He’s definitely heard the name before. He remembers Renjun and Jeno talking about him. Oh. “Wait, the head boy?”</p><p>“Yes,” Donghyuck says, “he’s—Well, he’s...” Donghyuck pauses. “Let’s just say he’s like an expert on the matter.” Jaemin nods. “Being friends with the honors student has its perks. C’mon, I’ll give you his number, he stays up until very ungodly hours.”</p><p>Jaemin nods, handing Donghyuck his phone. Donghyuck unlocks the screen—it has no password, and types a few numbers.</p><p>“Why are you helping me anyway?” Jaemin asks, looking at Donghyuck. His face is covered by shadows, the light of the moon coming from behind him, but Jaemin can see his smile as he locks the screen of his phone.</p><p>Donghyuck hands him the phone, a smirk on his face.</p><p>“Oh, wouldn’t you want to know?” he says.</p><hr/><p>Donghyuck still acts the same around him, even after the whole ‘helping him with Bible studies’ ordeal. Knife-edged words and sharp looks thrown at him when he walks in the same room as him. As always, Jaemin can’t say he dislikes the attention. It’s fun this way, giving into Donghyuck’s antics.</p><p>“Do you think you can get Mark Lee to do me another favor?” Jaemin asks him three days later, after class. Jeno already left, as he was running late for track practice, and Renjun is nowhere to be seen. It’s the perfect scenario.</p><p>“What?” Donghyuck says, eyes wide, startled for a second. He looks up from his desk, and when he sees Jaemin hovering over his shoulder, he closes his notebook and shoves it inside his backpack. “Do you think I’m your errand boy, Na?” he says, as he puts the backpack into one shoulder unceremoniously, and starts walking away.</p><p>“No,” Jaemin replies, following Donghyuck with a smile on his face. “So, can you ask him?” He insists, blinking, the smile on his face widening.</p><p>“Why don’t you go ask him yourself?” Donghyuck replies, stopping by the door, but refusing to turn around to face him. “I gave you his number, didn’t I?”</p><p>“He’s not my friend,” Jaemin says, quickly circling around Donghyuck so they are now face to face, and he’s blocking the way out of the room. “Wouldn’t it be rude?” He tries, voice innocent. He’s been planning this for the past day. He knows exactly what he’s doing, and he wonders if it’s going to work.</p><p>“Do you really care that much about what Mark thinks of you?” Donghyuck says, rolling his eyes. “Fine,” he continues, sighing. “Just ask Jeno for my number and tell me what you want. I have to go, I have choir in five minutes.”</p><p>“Nah,” Jaemin says, taking a step to the side. “It’s fine,” he says, putting his back against the wall of the classroom and pointing at the door with his hand. “I just wanted to see something.”</p><p>“What?” Donghyuck asks, staring at him for a second. “You know what? Nevermind,” he says then, exasperated, and takes a step towards the door. Jaemin snickers, crossing his arms over his chest, satisfied.</p><p>Donghyuck puts a hand on the doorknob, and for a moment, it looks like he’s just going to exit the room, but then, he stops.</p><p>“What do you want from me, Jaemin?” Donghyuck asks, still facing the door.</p><p>Jaemin can see that Donghyuck’s knuckles are turning white. He bites his lip. “Do you really want to know?”</p><p>He means it.</p><p>“If it would save me the fucking headache,” Donghyuck replies, turning around on his heels, “then yes.”</p><p>Donghyuck locks eyes with him, his gaze burning, and Jaemin swallows. He thought it was safe, to see if Donghyuck was willing to help him, but he’d clearly been playing with fire without knowing.</p><p>And Jaemin can’t help it. He looks at Donghyuck’s lips, tempting, and then back at Donghyuck’s eyes. He feels his ears hot. He knows he gave himself away without much struggle, but he doesn’t even feel ashamed, just flustered.</p><p>He’s been wanting it for so long.</p><p>“I just—” Jaemin tries, but the words die on his throat.</p><p>Donghyuck moves first. He drops the backpack to the floor, and takes a step towards him. Jaemin is frozen on the spot, eyes widening as Donghyuck’s face comes closer, a couple of centimeters apart. He can feel Donghyuck’s warm breath on his mouth, and it sends shivers down his spine, to know he’s just a second away from kissing him.</p><p>“Tell me, Jaemin,” Donghyuck says, batting his eyelashes in that infuriating way of his, and he doesn’t look mad anymore, “is this what you wanted?”</p><p>Donghyuck’s got him cornered against the wall, and Jaemin doesn’t shove him away, like he would do any other day. The smirk on Donghyuck’s face tells him that he already knows the answer to the question.</p><p>Jaemin hates that smirk, and everything it means.</p><p>A second passes, and Donghyuck tilts his head, waiting.</p><p>Jaemin, <em>of course</em>, is the one that closes the distance between them. It couldn’t have happened in any other way. Jaemin kisses him, and he knows he’s surrendering, giving Donghyuck power, but for once, he can’t bring himself to care. He kisses him harshly, all the frustration and the tension building up on him into this one kiss.</p><p>Donghyuck presses closer to him, his whole body against Jaemin’s. The wall is cold, but Donghyuck’s body is warm, and Jaemin shudders. He’s been kissed before, by boys and girls, but not like this. Not with this urgency, with so many words unsaid between them. A kiss has never meant so much to him, and it scares him more than he would care to admit.</p><p>Donghyuck’s hands are hot on his neck, his knee between his thighs, and Jaemin is just one second away from losing it.</p><p>“<em>Donghyuck</em>,” Jaemin whispers, suffocated. This is all happening too fast, and his brain can’t catch up.</p><p>“What?” Donghyuck asks against his neck, stopping mid kiss.</p><p>Jaemin doesn’t want him to stop. The word <em>please </em>gets stuck on his throat, and he has to swallow it down, if only because of his pride. A second passes, and Jaemin is about to kiss Donghyuck again, when the bell rings, startling them both. Last period is officially over, and the sound of their agitated breathing gets muffled by the sounds of the multitude in the hallway.</p><p>“I guess I wasn’t wrong the other day,” Donghyuck says then, taking a step back, and Jaemin, honest to God, almost whines. “You’re all bark and no bite, Na,” Donghyuck lifts his backpack from the floor, giving him one final smirk before exiting the room.</p><p>Jaemin stands there, heart beating fast, wondering where exactly did his plan go wrong.</p><hr/><p>Every last Friday of the month they skip breakfast. It isn’t mandatory per se, but there isn’t anyone at school who shows to the dinner hall early in the morning anyway. A morning of fasting and praying, the priests say.</p><p>Jaemin finds himself not caring much for it anyway. It’s not like anyone takes it seriously, mostly a morning of chorusing prayers, but out of a probably boring class, at least.</p><p>This Friday, there’s something different. The students’ choir joins the mass. They are dressed in the school’s uniform, dark grayish pants, and white shirts, buttoned up until the last button. Jaemin watches the students take the spot behind the priest, filling three rows of stands. He spots Donghyuck even from far away, his round face and his pretty eyes. Jaemin freezes from where he’s sitting, on one of the pews, far on the back of the room.</p><p>Donghyuck looks kind of angelic, the sun filtering gold from the stained glass windows. There’s sort of a metallic, gold and silver glow reflecting on his face and on his hair, and Jaemin is mesmerized at the sight. He can’t look away from Donghyuck’s soft features, tanned skin and delicate gleam of colors.</p><p>Donghyuck doesn’t once look back at Jaemin, but he doesn’t mind. He’s fine with contemplating him from afar like this. He’s been doing it for almost two years, and today shouldn’t be much different from other times. Except—</p><p>Except, this time, Jaemin can say he has kissed him before. That changes things, somehow. Maybe it’s because Jaemin still remembers vividly Donghyuck’s lips on his, moving slowly, tentatively, and his low voice, mouth whispering close to Jaemin’s ear. Maybe it’s the fact that he doesn’t want to ever forget.</p><p>
  <em>Ave Maria</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Gratia plena</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maria, gratia plena</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maria, gratia plena</em>
</p><p>A chorus of male voices resonates inside the building, a melody Jaemin knows by heart already, word by word. And as Jaemin watches Donghyuck sing, eyes never leaving Donghyuck’s figure, something shifts inside him.</p><p>He sings along in his head, word, by word, by word.</p><hr/><p>Donghyuck asks him to meet him in the bathroom ten minutes before the third period ends. He leaves a note inside Jaemin’s pocket at dinner, and he’s not as sneaky as he thinks he is, because Renjun eyes Donghyuck and Jaemin attentively during the whole exchange, but doesn’t comment on it.</p><p>Jaemin walks to the bathroom slowly. It’s embarrassing, the way his heart rate speeds up the closer he gets to it. He wonders what Donghyuck wants. The note didn’t really say anything.</p><p>“Donghyuck?” He asks out loud, his voice steady even when he’s emotions are not.</p><p>The door of the first stall opens, and Donghyuck is at the other side. Jaemin takes a moment to observe him, to weigh him in, but Donghyuck only looks serious, and Jaemin can’t figure him out. It scares him. He wants to say something—anything, but no word pushes past his lips.</p><p>Donghyuck takes his hand, and guides him inside the stall. Jaemin doesn’t protest. He walks inside, heart on his mouth, the door of the stall closing behind him.</p><p>“Can I kiss you?” Donghyuck asks.</p><p>
  <em>What?</em>
</p><p>Jaemin’s eyes widen.</p><p>“That’s what you called me here for?” He asks, feeling blood rush to his face. He feels euphoric, and he doesn’t even know why. Maybe it’s the relief of knowing he was worrying over nothing, or the thrill of what Donghyuck is asking sinking in.</p><p>“Yeah,” Donghyuck replies, eyeing him. “Why?”</p><p>“You—” Jaemin pauses. What can he say, anyway? That he was scared this was something else? He shakes his head. “Nevermind. Just kiss me, you idiot.”</p><p>Donghyuck takes him by the collar of his white, pristine shirt. “Who are you calling an—”</p><p>Jaemin doesn’t let him finish. He laughs, a bit high and tight, and kisses him head-on, almost smacking him with his lips. It’s precipitated and fast. Honest. Donghyuck-like, even. But Jaemin likes it this way. He likes to kiss him, rushed, urgent, like there are no minutes to waste.</p><p>He likes it when Donghyuck bites him, his lips, his neck, his collarbone. He lets him take control for a while. When it comes to picking battles, Jaemin knows when to pick ones against Donghyuck. This is a lost one—he wants Donghyuck just as much as Donghyuck wants Jaemin, if not even more.</p><p>Donghyuck holds his face, and opens his mouth. He pushes Jaemin against the door, and corners him, smothers him with his closeness.</p><p>Donghyuck doesn’t demand anything of him, but Jaemin still lets him have it all.</p><hr/><p>They don’t tell their friends about it, even though Jaemin is sure Renjun knows. It’s just easier this way, to pretend they hate each other's guts in public and not having to deal with the implications of them being together.</p><p>They don’t get much time alone, really, but they make the most of it. They kiss, they argue. They argue while kissing.</p><p>Some other times, they talk.</p><p>“So, what was it?” Donghyuck asks him one day. They are alone in the music room, long after chorus practice is over. “Strict catholic family, like Mark? Busy parents, like Renjun?”</p><p>Jaemin laughs. He’s lying on the table, and Donghyuck is sitting beside him, his back against the wall. He moves his legs, knees bent over the edge. The table is only big enough. “Does it matter?” He asks, shifting slightly. The table is uncomfortable, but he doesn’t want to move away from Donghyuck.</p><p>“Doesn’t it?” Donghyuck asks back.</p><p>And <em>well</em>. It’s not a big deal to him. It never has been. He resents his dad, and he misses his mom, as much as she misses him. It isn’t a big, dark secret, but it’s still his story. Jeno is the only one that knows, and not because he told him, but because he had been there to see it all happen.</p><p>Still, there’s a part of Jaemin that wants to trust him.</p><p>“It isn’t anything tragic,” Jaemin says then. “Just my dad.” It’s barely a sentence, but it means more to him than he’s letting Donghyuck know. He wonders if Donghyuck can pick up on it or not.</p><p>Donghyuck lets out a breathy laugh, his hand coming closer to Jaemin’s face. He runs a finger through the bridge of his nose, a slow movement. “Daddy issues, then.”</p><p>Jaemin, despite himself, smiles.</p><p>“What about you?” He asks. He’s curious. There are rumors, like about everyone, but Jaemin tried to not let them change his perception of Donghyuck.</p><p>Donghyuck’s finger moves to his cheek, and Jaemin swallows, closing his eyes.</p><p>“Does it matter?” Donghyuck says, repeating Jaemin’s own words.</p><p>Jaemin laughs. He opens his eyes, meeting Donghyuck’s steady gaze. The last minutes of sunlight are gold against Donghyuck’s skin, his freckles beautiful, and Jaemin just can’t look away. “Maybe it doesn’t,” he whispers.</p><p>Donghyuck grins, showing his teeth. Jaemin feels his heart beating fast in his chest as Donghyuck lowers his head to kiss him—a soft, slow peck on his lips. Jaemin deepens the kiss, a hand into Donghyuck’s long hair to bring him closer. It isn’t like any of their other kisses, and yet.</p><p>It's the scariest one, he thinks.</p><p>He’s free falling into something dangerous, and he doesn’t know if he’s ready for the fall just yet.</p><hr/><p>He remembers the first time he had sex ed in school. There were those obnoxious “<em>I’m worth waiting for” </em>and “<em>Abstinence is key</em>” stickers given to them. He ended up using them ironically, sticking them to one of his notebooks just because it always gave him a little laugh.</p><p>They talked about birth control. How expensive they were, the possibility of them failing. <em>The only strictly safe way to not get pregnant, is abstinence</em>, their teacher had said.</p><p>Jaemin wants to believe. It was all he wanted when he was little, to believe like his dad, like his mother. Right now, there’s just resentment. He wonders if things were different, he wouldn’t feel this guilt when he thinks about Donghyuck at night, before bed, or in the shower.</p><p><em>Donghyuck is beautiful.</em> The thing Jaemin loves the most about him is how he is so unapologetically himself.</p><p>At night, Jaemin wonders if Donghyuck hates himself as much as he does.</p><hr/><p>When he’s with Donghyuck, it’s like he forgets about all other things on his mind. It’s a side effect of Donghyuck’s lips on his, his hand wandering free around his body. Jaemin can’t complain. Sometimes, all he wants is to get lost, and in Donghyuck, he finds the exact comfort he needs.</p><p>“Hey,” Donghyuck whispers, voice low. Jeno is out for his violin classes, and they are alone in Jaemin’s room. “Are you sure?”</p><p>“Worried now?” Jaemin says, a side grin. He gets why Donghyuck is asking, though, even if they’ve talked about this before. That’s why he smiles at him, and gives him a little peck on the lips. “I am,” he’s never been so sure about something as he is about this. “Are you?” He asks, patiently.</p><p>Donghyuck nods, muttering a ‘yes’ before kissing him again. Jaemin smiles into the kiss, his heart swelling in his chest.</p><p>Because Jaemin has never worshipped anything the way he worships Donghyuck, bodies warms against each other on a cold autumn afternoon, breaths ragged, and hearts beating painfully fast on their chests.</p><hr/><p>“I’m not rich,” Donghyuck tells him one day. “I’m not rich like you or Renjun or Jeno.”</p><p>Jaemin only blinks, taken aback from the sudden confession. He had been playing on his phone, near the window, while Donghyuck practiced a song on the piano, for the audition he has next day.</p><p>“I have a scholarship,” Donghyuck says. Jaemin looks at him, sitting on the bench next to the piano, with his back turned to him. “I’m not rich.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>Jaemin loses the game he was playing. He locks his phone and puts it on the table next to him, standing up from his seat. There always have been rumors about it, about Donghyuck, but Jaemin has never particularly cared.</p><p>“I know you know,” Donghyuck replies, voice strained. “I just wanted—” he pauses, and Jaemin can almost feel him rolling his eyes. “Whatever.”</p><p>“Hey,” Jaemin says, walking up to him. He puts his arms on the edge of the piano, looking at Donghyuck, who refuses to meet his eyes. “Thank you,” he continues, voice soft. <em>For telling me.</em></p><p>“It’s whatever,” Donghyuck replies, huffing.</p><p>Jaemin smiles, and puts a hand on Donghyuck’s chin. He leans in to kiss him, trying not to lie into the piano. It’s a soft moment, but Donghyuck looks mortified, cheeks flushed.</p><p>“Are you allergic to emotional talk or what?” Jaemin asks, grinning as he pats Donghyuck’s head.</p><p>“I hate you,” Donghyuck mutters.</p><p>He kisses Jaemin again anyway.</p><hr/><p>The audition goes well. Donghyuck has a solo. He tells the news to Jaemin one Friday afternoon after class, while they are hanging out before they get to leave for home.</p><p>This time, Donghyuck is leaving, but Jaemin is staying. The trip is too long, and he has to wait another month until he can go back home, but he’s used to it by now. He knows better than to get sad.</p><p>“Congratulations,” Jaemin says, smiling. He's proud of him. Jaemin may not know a lot about choir, but he knows that a solo presentation is a big thing. Jaemin himself plays the piano, taught by his mother, but he still gets speechless when he sees Donghyuck’s slender fingers playing a song. He’s just that good.</p><p>“Thank you,” Donghyuck says, almost a whisper. His voice sounds high and airy, and just <em>wrong</em>. He’s looking at the ceiling, and Jaemin can’t see his expression from where he’s lying beside him.</p><p>“What's wrong?” Jaemin asks softly. He doesn’t know how to act around this Donghyuck that’s not either insulting him or making out with him. This Donghyuck resembles the one back at the music room, just a few days ago, but there’s an edge to him now, one Jaemin can’t put his finger on.</p><p>“Nothing,” Donghyuck says. “I just—” he hesitates, and Jaemin frowns, heart beating fast in his chest. He puts both of his hands on the mattress, and turns around, lying on his elbows, so he can now look directly at Donghyuck.</p><p>“You just?” Jaemin insists, trying to be patient, and keep his voice calm.</p><p>Donghyuck raises both of his arms, covering his eyes with them, shadows curving over his pretty face. His next words feel like a cold bucket of water. “What are we doing here, Jaemin?”</p><p>“Why?” Jaemin asks, confused. Why <em>now?</em> he thinks. Why now that he’s happy.</p><p>But that’s not something he can ask without sounding like an asshole, so he doesn’t. “Do you need a name for it?” he says instead.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Donghyuck replies, arms still covering his eyes. Jaemin tries to breathe, to not let himself get emotional over this. He needs to stay calm. “Does it matter, the label? If it’s not going to...”</p><p>Donghyuck doesn’t finish the sentence, so Jaemin does it for him.</p><p>“Last?” He says.</p><p>Donghyuck tears his arms out of his face, and sits on the bed. His eyes are shining, but he’s frowning, and Jaemin thinks he understands it now.</p><p>Donghyuck is angry.</p><p>“This isn’t a fucking fairytale, Jaemin,” he says, quickly, spitting out words like venom. “We can’t just expect everything to work the way—”</p><p>“I don’t care,” Jaemin interrupts him. “I don’t care about the money.”</p><p>There’s a beat of silence between them, and Jaemin's heart drops.</p><p>“Maybe,” Donghyuck replies. “Maybe you don’t, but this is—” he pauses, and Jaemin wants to interrupt him again, but he doesn’t. “Maybe you don’t care, but in the end, it’s not up to you, is it?”</p><p>His tone is sarcastic, but Jaemin knows Donghyuck means every word he said, and that’s what hurts the most.</p><p>“So what?” Jaemin says, and he’s not thinking now, he’s just bitter and hurt, and the words he really wants to say are threatening to spill out of him and taint everything, like a glass of spilled wine. “What are you saying here?”</p><p>“I don’t know, Jaemin,” Donghyuck says, and Jaemin laughs, shaking his head, unbelieving.</p><p>“You sure say that a lot,” Jaemin replies.</p><p>There are tears forming in the corner of his eyes, frustration and hurt in one place, but Jaemin doesn’t cry.</p><p>Not even when Donghyuck stands up, and gives him one final, heart shattering look.</p><p>Jaemin braces himself for the impact. He’s always been good at that.</p><p>“I don’t know if this is going to work,” Donghyuck says, and he’s crying, but Jaemin can’t bring himself to be sad for him.</p><p>Donghyuck turns around, and just like that, Jaemin lets him go.</p><hr/><p>Jaemin doesn’t see him for the next few days. He spends the weekend alone, but he tries to distract himself doing whatever he can, cooking, cleaning, or just lying around and watching something on his laptop.</p><p>When Monday comes around, he sees Donghyuck again.</p><p>He’s still hurt about what happened, but he’s had time to think about everything. He wants to go to him, but he knows Donghyuck needs space.</p><p>He’s willing to wait, even if it hurts, and he misses Donghyuck in every possible way he can.</p><hr/><p>Donghyuck’s been practicing for his solo non-stop, Renjun tells him. That’s how Jaemin knows where to find him.</p><p>It’s only a week later after their fight, or whatever that was, and Jaemin guesses it’s still fresh in their minds, from how Donghyuck tenses when he finally sees him standing on the doorway.</p><p>Jaemin doesn’t back away.</p><p>“Hey,” Jaemin greets, stepping into the room with fake confidence, a shy smile on his lips.</p><p>“Hi,” Donghyuck replies, raising an eyebrow.</p><p>“Can we talk?” Jaemin asks. And he’s been here so many times, with Donghyuck, kissing him, or just watching him play the piano, that now the space between them it’s unsettling, and it hits him right in the stomach.</p><p>Donghyuck sighs, visibly upset, but he nods, and stands up from the bench next to the piano.</p><p>Jaemin doesn’t let himself falter. He already knows what he needs to say. The rest is not up to him, but he knows what he can do.</p><p>And at last, he’s finally willing to take the risk.</p><p>“Look,” Jaemin starts, taking a step towards him, voice steady. “I’m not here to tell you that you were wrong,” he continues, trying not to rush, because he needs to say this so badly, and he needs Donghyuck to listen clearly. “Because I know that it’s scary, and that we have a lot to be afraid of, but...”</p><p>Jaemin trails off, taking a deep breath.</p><p>Donghyuck takes a step towards him, trying to reach for him, but Jaemin doesn’t let him. “Jaemin—”</p><p>“No, just let me finish,” he asks.</p><p>He needs to say it. Because Donghyuck had told him a week ago that what Jaemin thinks doesn’t matter, and Jaemin had believed him, no questions asked. He had believed they weren’t going to last, and most importantly, he had let Donghyuck walk away without saying anything back.</p><p>“I don’t know about you,” Jaemin continues, and he chuckles, nervous, because even though he’s gone through this exact scenario in his head before, it’s still so, <em>so </em>frightening. He shakes his head, and smiles. “But I still think that it’s worth it. That <em>we </em>are worth it, Donghyuck. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, but I—”</p><p>Jaemin has never loved anyone the way he loves Donghyuck, with all there is to him, his laugh, and his kisses, his voice and his skin, soft between Jaemin’s hand. He loves him, even when he’s scared, even when he’s mad, even when he doesn’t know if he loves himself just yet.</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>The words stretch into a moment of silence, Jaemin’s heartbeat loud in his ears.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck says then, and this time, when he reaches to touch him, Jaemin doesn’t shy away. “I was scared, and I’m sorry if I hurt you,” he continues, and Jaemin breathes again.</p><p>“It’s okay, love,” Jaemin mutters, soft. He feels warm under Donghyuck’s intense stare. His eyes are suspiciously glossy again, but Jaemin doesn’t say anything about it.</p><p>“It’s not,” Donghyuck says, a beautiful smile on his lips, and Jaemin can’t look away. Not now, not ever. “Because I think we are worth it too.”</p><hr/><p>The end of the semester comes sooner than expected.</p><p>He has learned a lot of things, by himself, and by Donghyuck’s side. For one, he hates cigarettes, and the smell of it sticking to his clothes. He doesn’t like alcohol either, but he can have some once in a while, just for the fun of it.</p><p>Most importantly, Jaemin has learnt that there’s freedom in facing your fears.</p><p>They tell their friends about them. Renjun already knew, of course, but it’s still a weight off his shoulders.</p><p>And he's happy. Holding Donghyuck’s hand, bothering him, and kissing him, telling him he loves him, and hearing it back.</p><p>And when he’s watching Donghyuck perform his solo in front of the school, his smile, his serious expression once he starts, Jaemin realizes he’s never stood a chance.</p><p>He’d been lovesick all along.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hope you enjoyed &lt;3</p><p>come talk to me!<br/>☆ <a href="https://twitter.com/starlight_jaem">twt</a><br/>☆ <a href="https://curiouscat.me/starlightjaem">cc</a><br/></p></blockquote></div></div>
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